Dismantle My Bed

I’d really like to escape overseas, especially if Mitt Romney gets into the White House. That crazy fuck. In order to do that, several things must happen. Here is how buying my book plays a big part in allowing my escape.
 
1. I need to pay off debt. Don’t we all? But this isn’t just casual spending debt. This is all debt built up by trying to do creative things with absolutely no pay off. I won’t stockpile the money for prostitutes and cannabis. I will not use the money in ways that will get me arrested or deported. I will get rid of the debt police and live a happy and debt-free lifestyle of creative yearning.

2. I need to minimize. I have stopped holding onto junk, but I still have quite a bit of it. I don’t mean to. I’m fairly certain it fertilizes itself and creates off-spring when I’m not looking. Getting rid of the books gets rid of a lot of boxes. Hooray for less clutter!

3. I need some hope. If my move goes anything like my other projects, I’m going down in the ocean halfway there.

At this time of year, we receive as many requests for donations as we do store flyers in the mail. It seems like every organization suddenly needs more money come November and December.

Do they really? Or do they just realize that people are in more of a giving spirit during the holiday season? They realize that people get that warm and cozy feeling from giving and that people like to feel that way during the holidays.

I would like to invite everyone to feel that way with me. Buy a book. Your soul will thank you. Your insides will light up and keep you warm throughout the winter. An internal space heater… your free gift with purchase.

Okay, so once again it was in that same store in Oakland, but it happened just like stated above. At said store, I outsold Alice Walker to be the bestseller for the year. For those of you who don’t know how in awe of me you should be, let me remind you who Alice Walker just happens to be. Alice Walker is a Pulitzer Prize winning author. She won that Pulitzer for a little novel called The Color Purple. The Color Purple. At one small store in Oakland, California, I, Riley LaShea, outsold the woman who wrote The Color Purple. Wow. That makes me pretty badass.

What time is it? Perfect gift-giving time, that’s what time it is. And you too can give the perfect give! That’s right, you. Even if you screw up everything else in your life, you have the potential to excel in this one small area during this one short time of the year. Succeed while you can. You have the whole rest of the year to fail.

Got a reader in your life? Yes! No, you say? I still say yes! Whether you know it or not, I can almost guarantee that there is somebody in your life that knows how to read. Congratulations!

Want to make them tremble with ecstasy? Give the gift of me… er… my book.

Christmas! Chanukah! Kwanzaa! I am equally loved for every holiday. Buy me cheap and I’ll make your guests smile.*

*Allusions to dime-hooker prostitution absolutely intended.

I had a lovely run in Oakland once. Of course, it was a tiny non-profit women’s bookstore whose sales didn’t really make ripples. It was, however, full of interesting, intelligent people… except for that one woman. She knows who she is.

I was the bestseller the year that my book was first released. In 2005. But I will not think about the fact that those books have been sitting around for almost three years now, because that would be in opposition to the purpose of this post, which is, of course, my self-esteem.

I did well in Oakland. I had a crowd, a small crowd, but definitely a crowd. When I close my eyes, I can still hear it roar.