Dismantle My Bed

I haven’t been getting much writing done at work lately. You see, “upper management” decided to institute quotas on we, the wee peons in the claims department. No, those are not unnecessary quotation marks. I think that the term “upper management” is one of the most ridiculously pompous, let-me-declare-to-you-my-importance terms in our stupidly corporate society. Those quotations marks are actually imperative.

Under average, ordinary circumstances, I really wouldn’t give two shits about losing my job, but since we are in full-on debt pay down mode, I need to keep the cash coming in at the pathetic trickle that my job provides. So that means I’ve been spending a majority of my time at work actually working. Okay, so more like fifty percent, but it’s still a helluva lot more than I used to do, and I’m still pissed the fuck off about it.

After having enjoyed The Thief Lord rather a lot, I was looking forward to reading Cornelia Funke’s other novels.

First up, Inkheart.

Now, it isn’t that I disliked Inkheart. The idea behind it is actually quite genius. However, the execution, I felt was a bit lacking. There wasn’t a single character in the that I really loved, which sort of made what they went through a non-issue for me.

I’m halfway through Inkspell, and I still haven’t come to love them, with the exception of Farid, who is considerably more interesting in this book than he was in Inkheart.

The point is, when life and death comes knocking at these characters’ doors, I feel hollow. No baited breath, no sweaty palms or racing heart. I want to care, but I don’t.

To be fair though, English is not the language in which these novels were originally written, and a whole lot can be lost in translation.

While I cannot make your shopping list for you, there are a few things that you might want to make sure you have on hand before you begin writing your bestselling novel or your work of literary genius. In today’s market, it cannot be both. I’m sorry.

If you are doing all of your writing at the computer, make sure you have more than one place to save your writing. Saving directly to the hard drive of the computer has its advantages, but the computer could also crash and you could lose everything. It’s always good to keep a copy of whatever you are working on in more than one place. I generally keep a copy on the computer’s hard drive and on a jump drive that I carry with me everywhere. These are small, compact, hold a lot of information, and can be easily kept with you at all times. It really is the best option.

Also, if you are going to print out sections for purposes of rewriting, proofreading, or letting someone else read your work, keep plenty of paper and ink cartridges on hand.

If you are writing by hand first (I often do this when I am blocked at the computer), keep extra supply of whatever it is you choose to write on, be it blank white sheets, legal pads, or in a journal, as well as a large supply of your pen or pencil of choice. Personally, I find that it can be difficult to switch up pen type in the middle of something. This is definitely psychological, but it’s true, so there you go.

You’ll also want to remain stocked in all of the computer supplies above. If you are writing by hand, type everything up regularly, be it every few hours or at the end of a day. Remember, writing done on paper has considerably greater potential for mishaps like spills and getting lost. Either of these things will lead to several hard nights of drinking.

Would you start across the Pacific on a rowboat without food and sunblock? Would you start up Mount Kilimanjaro without ropes and a pick axe? Would you hike through Death Valley without a visor and a canteen? I think you see where I’m going with this.

As any explorer will tell you, every successful journey begins with being well-equipped. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what you will need to begin your novel-writing adventure. What works for one person will certainly not work for everyone.

For instance, say you don’t consume caffeine. Not only will I find you bizarre and in great disharmony with me personally, but my positively essential writing provisions of coffee and dark chocolate will be entirely lost on you.

Make a list of things that you will need to write for several hours a day every day. Then stock up. You will desperately regret running out of a necessity in the midst of a productive writing spell.

So, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, which means green clothing, green beer, and, if you work in the office that I work in, green food. Don’t ask. So, if you are living large in NYC or Boston, enjoy a most fabulous parade. Otherwise, you may have to decide upon more common ways to celebrate. Get sauced at your local pub. Trip out on acid and chase an imaginary leprechaun around the room. Kiss an Irish person. Whatever. Just enjoy.