Dismantle My Bed

If you aren’t done with your list yet, shame on you! No… kidding. The only reason I’m completely done is because all my gifts had to be mailed all the way across the country, which of course is a rather time-consuming process. So, they shipped out yesterday. Anyway, personally, I am never unhappy when I get a book. So, if you still have that reader on your list, here are a few of my personal favorite gift books.

1. Toothpaste for Dinner by Drew

Filled with little cartoons on life, I can’t remember every laughing so hard while reading.

2. A Guide for the Advanced Soul by Susan Hayward

It’s a flip to an answer type of book. Roughly the equivalent of a literary Magic 8 Ball, but it still brings solace at times.

3. The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

Only if you can find it within to be amused at bunny death, but, damn, does this person have one sick, twisted mind when coming up with ways to die. And why does the fact that it is happening to a cute, fluffy bunny make it that much funnier?

If you have yet to enjoy Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (And So Can You!), and you consider making fun of overly conservative “values” a favorite pastime, it’s a must read. While there are sections that don’t quite hold up to the rest of the book, the majority of it is full of Colbert’s hysterical insights on American life. If you enjoy The Colbert Report, you’ll enjoy the book. Most of it anyway. He simply has a way of boiling things down to the most dry sarcasm they can possibly come packaged in. Dig Colbert? Dig the book.

*Be forewarned, thar may be spoilers ahead*

Okay, so there are several. Chapter 1 introduces us to our protagonist, D’Artagnan, and the most rudimentary essence of his personality, namely the fact that he don’t take no shit from nobody. Oh, and he kind of rushes into situations, sword-blazing, before he fully thinks things through. Which is not only fun, but leads him into every sticky situation he finds himself in the first few chapters.

Favorite lines of Chapter One -

1. “Then, in addition to these concealed or public, secret or open wars, there were robbers, mendicants, Huguenots, wolves, and scoundrels, who made war upon everybody.” - This strikes me with the resonance of a perfect line.

2. An exchange:

“I was not speaking to you, sir.”
“But I am speaking to you!”

3. Another exchange:

“I do not often laugh, sir,” replied the stranger, “as you may perceive by the expression of my countenance; but nevertheless I retain the privilege of laughing when I please.”
“And I,” cried D’Artagnan, “will allow no man to laugh when it displeases me!”

4. And yet another exchange:

“Replace him on his orange horse, and let him begone!”
“Not before I have killed you, poltroon!”

5. “…before he fainted, he collected all his strength to challenge you, and to defy you while challenging you.” - Muah ha ha ha.

Okay, so the last one was just made in the 90s. And so dozens of movies, plays and the current books have borrowed the theme liberally. But I think it’s time for another Three Musketeers remake. There are plenty of young actors right now who would make The Three Musketeers incredibly watchable. And can you have too many remakes of Three Musketeers. Granted movie versions of books have a tendency to be terrible and movie remakes even worse, but still, I wouldn’t an attempt.

I shouldn’t love it. First off, I haven’t actually read it. But the title is fantastic. Second, as far as the author is concerned, I am part of this dumbest generation since I’m under thirty. But I still love it. The point that the author is trying to make, that our future is in dire straights in the hands of people who have more online friends than real friends, who would rather read comments about themselves than something where they actually learn,  and who think that ‘z’s and an ’s’s are interchangeable, is rather valid. You don’t have to agree with the sentiment to heed the warning.