Dismantle My Bed

Wow! It’s been a few months since that’s happened.

How surprised was I to return from my trip only to discover that Amazon has placed a book order? Very surprised!!

So they only ordered the normal two books, but that’s because they sold the two they already had in stock. See how that works? The saddest part is, people obviously haven’t realized that they can buy the books from me for the low, low poverty-price of $5. They are buying from Amazon for full price.

But no complaints here. I make more money from the Amazon sale than from a sale of my own.

Hooray!

Not my family, but it’s a funeral I shall have to attend, so there you go. I am sad though, because I feel bad for Daddy Jeff, whose real Daddy has died. I like Daddy Jeff. He’s funny and he constructs massive items, because he doesn’t know how to build anything small. He also works with heavy equipment, for which I, for some reason, harbor a strange affection. And he likes to carry heavy things and help out, which made moving considerably easier when we were living near him.

But I hate funerals. I’m taking bets now on whether or not they will play “Go Rest High on That Mountain”. The odds at any given funeral is roughly 10 to 1.

So, anyway, the whole point of this is that I get to go visit the boxes of books that are still left down there. You see, the books here are enough for a platform bed, two bedside tables, a platform for the closet and a microwave stand, and yet there are more of them.

Arrrrggggh!

I sent some book boxes away with my mother when I moved. The real reason was to get them to the location at which I will be holding the ceremonial bonfire to shed them from my life. My mother took it upon herself to take a box with her, because, everyone knows, you can find people who read when you give the books away for free. The first person who got one of these books is one of my cousins. He is apparently excited to read it. Who knows, maybe I will get another wild and crazy, and completely useless review for this site.

I know. You can hardly wait.

It didn’t. I’m over it. Sort of. But, I still don’t understand the why and the how of my book not selling. I, personally, would have bought this book on summary alone, but that’s me, and not everyone else sadly. Regardless of how things could have, and have, turned out, here are the top five reasons why my book should have sold.

1. It has known characters.

Cinderella… Snow White… Rapunzel… Jack… the princes… Red Riding Hood… just how many known characters does a book have to have to sell these days? Apparently a couple dozen are not enough. I know this now.

2. Hilarity.

Is the book funny? Of course the book is funny. I wouldn’t point out the hilarity of the book if there were, in fact, no hilarity. But it’s not hilarious all the way throughout. Then it would be a comic strip.

3. A theme bigger than any one character.

Sure the story is about Cinderella. And somewhat about her friends. But the theme isn’t about one person. It’s about freewill and courage to fight for it. It just so happens that most of the fight is in one character.

4. Naughty dwarves.

Forget everything Disney has taught you. These dwarves are seriously wayward.

5. One shag me sexy antagonist.

This isn’t your grandmother’s Cinderella.

I wrote a book once. I sat, alone, in a small one bedroom apartment in Corona, California, writing a novel. I did, and I self-published, and I failed to sell more than a couple of hundred copies. That’s sad. I know.

But I wrote a book once. I wrote an entire novel, worthy of publishing and worthy of reading, whether the books all sit unloved and unopened in cardboard boxes beneath a mattress or not. I wrote a book.

That’s more than most people will ever do.