Dismantle My Bed

Hard to believe my book has been in self-published limbo hell for over three years now, but that’s the way it is. On a positive note though, I am still making the occasional sale to the occasional new person who comes across me. Here is what I’ve learned from this. For the roughly hundred or so hours of soul-wrenching, absolutely free writing you put out into the world, you will make approximately one book sale. Some of these sales will make you a decent amount of money. $12 or so, yay! Some will make you about $1. Suck.

So, my advice for selling your books today. Write for free and hope someone takes pity on you.

That is all.

I know a little French. I know a little Italian. I know very, very little Spanish. I don’t speak any of them very well, but I do read French fairly decently. Enough that I could make out parts of a story anyway. One way that I like to keep practiced up, though I must admit I have fallen into some serious disrepair, is by keeping a few French novels on hand. Every now and then, I will take out one of the books, scan through it, and, after several pages of confusion, shout to the heavens, “She wants to make it with the horse!” Then, I’ll reconsider, really hoping that’s not correct.

Though it could be.

The covers of these books tell me that I am reading, without real comprehension, some real bodice-rippers. And you know that one of these days, someone is going to see me reading it, be French-speaking, know the book, and it actually WILL be about a girl and her inappropriate love for her horse. So then they will either think I’m a perve or suddenly find me someone infinitely worth talking to. Of course, it’s all worth it to be reading a book with naked boobies on the cover.

aka Why I Hate Wanting to Write for Money!

Why is it that I can sit down and write a novel in a month? Why can I write a 120-page screenplay, with all three acts properly placed and believable dialogue? Why can I write a play that keeps the cast small and the sets simple? Why, when it comes time to summarize any of these things, do I freeze up like I just came face to face with the basilisk in Chamber of Secrets?

I made a list yesterday. I actually do have some sellable works that I have done absolutely nothing with, because I am frozen solid when it comes to summaries and loglines.

So, now what in the hell do I do?

So, you have several projects in the works. You are using the method to crank out your next great novel, and already have queries sent out for two others. You sneak in writing at work whenever you can, and use company paper and ink to print your copies. You are living the good life as best as you can as a writer stuck in a 9 to 5 job.

But one day, you might decide that you actually just want to get paid to write, and you no longer care what you write so long as it comes with dollar signs attached.

With all of the speeches being spouted at us during this political process, you might find yourself thinking, “I could always be a speech writer.” And, if you put your mind to it, you probably can. Speech writers come from all kinds of backgrounds, but editorial experience or a law background can be helpful if you are looking at politics, but if you are thinking small scale and not presidential, you can probably find someone who could use a great writer.

Just a thought for those of us who want to write for love, but sometimes need the money.

So, do you think that blog tools are set up with writers in mind?

Not dabblers. Not people who started a blog to try to make money online or just ’cause they thought that it might be fun. I’m talking about real writers. People who spend more time inside their own heads than engaging in conversations. People who actually think that they’ve been to other worlds just because they have written some words down about them. People who feel comfortable enough playing God that they will create both external and internal characteristics of numerous people, set up realities for them, and even put words into their mouths. I’m talking about people like me. Crazy ass people!

You see, I think that blog tools were, in fact, set up for the really crazy writers, not just part-timers. You know why? It’s the ‘publish’ button. Whenever I finish typing something up, I can save it, edit it, or I can “publish” it.

I think it’s a cheap ploy to allow totally pathetic schmucks like myself to shout “I’ve been published” as often as they desire.

Well played, blogosphere, well played.